Rules For Dogs Who Have A Yard To Protect

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge
across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person.
If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face
and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark---
a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their
house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds.
There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in
the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before
licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch
your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and
upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so
they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side
of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough
holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this
problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the
family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your
duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when
there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor.
It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as
much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or
mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your
humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the
flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch
them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.