Signs Football Season is Starting

The "Jerry Springer" show is no longer the only place to watch large asses crammed into tight shiny pants.

Ross Perot warns Americans about a "giant sucking sound" coming from the Louisiana Superdome.

Groundhog emerges, sees shadow, gets drunk, and sexually assaults a passing gopher.

Mike Ditka's blood pressure can now be measured from Hubble Telescope using a simple infrared filter.

Al Michaels is seen beating his head against a tree stump to prepare for yet another mind-numbing season in the broadcast booth with Dan Dierdorf.

Foreplay now involves dressing provocatively as Arrowhead Stadium.

Word is out in Dallas: Even one snotty little Cowboy joke on the Top5 List and Chris White's ass is grass.

Fist fights have moved from the Beanie Baby aisle to the Creatine aisle.

National supply of "C" batteries depleted as "football widows" stock up for the season.

Ass-pattings up an astonishing 119%.

John Madden throws out the ceremonial first wildly cartoonish hyperbole and gesticulation.

It's okay to say the word "Packer" again within a group of guys.